I can't believe I have done this. This has been all I have been wanting every summer! I always would say in June, "I'm going to use this summer to get back in check and lose some weight before I go back teaching." Well, what do ya know? I have done it! For the first time in 11 years....I have dropped my weight down to 166.4 lbs.
I can truly say that I have had some really difficult times along the way. I decided not to stop at 40 days. My doctor agreed I can continue phase 1 of the Nutrimost System for an additional 20 days. Onward! I would like to see my number on the scale drop into the 155 lbs range. I just want to be healthy. I just want to feel good about myself. I want to feel pretty. I want to feel sexy. I don't want to be hiding my legs on a hot day in July anymore!
I am so nervous to slowly begin to increase my calorie intake after my additional 20 days of phase 1. What if I fail again? What if I sabotage every thing I have worked for because the stress was too much to handle? I am so afraid that I will resort back to my old habits. Eating just to eat or eating to cope with stress. I feel a little panic stricken as I type this. I continually worry that I will put the weight back on. I sometimes dream about my body gaining weight! The dreams are so real. They are upsetting. If I really put thought into all this worry...those that suffer with a food addiction know that all it takes is one time to go crazy with food. That one time leads to 5 days, then to 10 days, and so on. Before I realize it....I am up 15 lbs and starting the viscous circle again of wrong choices in food. I don't want to be that person that thinks in the back of their mind Oh sure, she looks great now, but she will put the weight back on. Just give her time. Someone I know said to me before, "Oh that's great you lost the weight, but what are you going to do when you stop Weight Watchers? I thought, what an awful and spiteful thing you just said to me. I don't know....continue struggling just like everyone else in this world? Find a new plan? Never give up?
All I know is that I will never stop my journey on becoming healthy. My goal is about being healthy mind, body, and soul. How refreshing would it be to finally find some peace within my heart with who I am. Inner peace is what I need to live my life to the fullest. The bottom line is that I need to stay in control.
Tonight was tough for me emotionally. I am not quite sure why. I wanted to cry because I didn't want to cook my meal again on the grill or make my salad. I truly just wanted to grab a carry out some where...any where! I didn't care! I text my "soul sister" "G" and reached out for some support. All I needed to hear was someone who was rationale. I was becoming angry that I couldn't have some birthday cake or ice cream. Someone needed to bring me words of wisdom during my mini storm. I thank God that I had "G" giving her words of advice to me. She stopped me from quitting and just having a "taste" or "just one meal" that was completely off my plan. She gave me strength when I was weak. It's amazing how many supporters you have when you take the chance and reach out to others for help. Getting support from friends and family isn't a sign of weakness. I think getting support or asking for help is very brave. It's amazing to feel the strength through friends and family. You feel so loved and so safe when you reach out. Tonight it is another mini celebration of my accomplishment today. Yes, I pouted. Yes, I became crabby and angry, but NOT ONCE DID I GIVE IN! All because I reached out for someone to hold my hand. Love you "G".
I may not be there yet, but I am one day closer than I was yesterday~ Denise